Sometimes I think I've never grown out of being an entitled teenager-unhappy with what I have and wanting more.
Many times I feel like I don't know what I am supposed to be doing when I "grow up."
Without going into details, I have what many would consider a great job. A really great job. And I recognize this. I do! I do have a wonderful job and I am able to contribute well financially to the family.
But...
It isn't what I want to be doing. It is certainly not my passion.
See? Spoiled brat.
I'm not even sure what I want to be doing.
I know how I love to spend my time and what I like to do, but that doesn't pay bills, y'know?
I started off 2013 declaring that I wanted to live this year with purpose. Honestly, because I'm not sure of my purpose. My impact. My contribution to the kingdom. And I struggle with that because I want to make an impact. I want to make a contribution eternally. And I want to feel like I'm making an impact. I want that emotional connection to my work.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm impacting by being a mom, friend, etc. And that may be all I'm supposed to do. But, I don't think it is.
Many of you have reassured me in the path I'm currently on. And, thank you. I know and trust that God has me just where He wants me to be for a reason. But, at the same time, I know that He's given me a restless heart for a reason, too.
For now, I take one day at a time. (Isn't that what we should do anyway?) I have a supportive husband who knows my heart and is working hard to do what he can to make my wants happen. I keep my eyes and heart open and ask God daily to guide my steps and reveal His will for my life.
And while I don't mind talking about my job and such, in fact if you are a friend of mine you probably already knew all this because I have yet to learn that not everyone needs to know everything about me, but not thinking about it is a great coping mechanism. Last night during community group a sweet friend asked me to further explain why I was unhappy at my job, so she could understand. I am certainly not gifted with verbal communication of the heart sometimes. My words get mixed up. I look at the floor. You get the idea. I'm a visual person. Writing helps. So, last night and today, I've wrestled with this "issue" again instead of trying to ignore it and just get through today. (Here I go again sounding like a baby. My issue of being employed with a great job in this economy. Wah.) And I thought, I should just write about it. 1. To better explain to my community group and 2. To garner wisdom from you.
So, dear ones, advice? Perhaps you, too, feel that there is more out there? Is contentedness mind over matter? Am I just being a cry baby? Well, you don't have to necessarily answer that one. :) Have your passions changed over time? And, really, do we have to love our job?
And it's not all bad. I had a great, deep, Godly conversation last week with two of the three coworkers that I consider dear friends that was a great reassurance to me. I'm so thankful for these women and walking life with them.
But, growing up is hard to do.
2 comments :
Oh, Sara. I struggle with this, too. Teaching was my passion for the longest time, and there are still days when I cannot imagine doing anything else. But then, sometimes? I feel like it's not enough, like I'm stuck, like I'm implicitly endorsing all that is wrong with education just by being a cog in this machine, like I could be doing so much more. So yeah. No advice, just a lot of my own baggage. But if it helps any, I so get it.
It helps, Beth! Thank you! Can we just start a commune?
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